Til Death Do Us Part
by ObsessivelyOdd
Summary: Wolf and Alex were forced to marry as part of a mission. What they didn't realise: it's legally binding! Can the two learn to get along, or will 'til death do us part' come just a bit too soon?
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: So yeah, this is completely and utterly random and illogical, but I just couldn't resist. If it proves popular I might do some more scenes in a sort of semi-stand alone style, so don't forget to tell me what you think!_

_DISCLAIMER: Neither Alex, nor Wolf, nor anything else you recognise, belong to me. I'm just borrowing them. I promise to return them to the wonderful Anthony Horrowitz (mostly) unharmed._

***

The car drew to a halt. The journey had passed in awkward silence and Alex was slumped in the passenger seat of the car and scowled at the driver, his unintended husband, Wolf. The soldier's teeth were clenched in anger and his eye was starting to twitch. Any second now...

"This is ridiculous!" exploded Wolf, slapping the steering wheel with both hands. Alex simply growled in agreement. It was probably the only thing they actually agreed _on_.

Alex didn't wait to hear Wolf's next comment, opting instead to grab his bag from the backseat and head towards the apartment. Just through the door into the – ridiculously unlived in – apartment, he dropped the bag. He heard Wolf trip and swear and snorted, then winced as he felt the heat of Wolf's glare rest upon him.

"Brat," muttered Wolf, kicking the bag over to the wall.

"No need to take it out on the bag," pouted Alex. In reality, he couldn't care less. It wasn't really his stuff, after all. It was Alex Marquerink's. He'd go and get some of his stuff tomorrow, if MI6 really did insist on him going through with this farce of a marriage.

But honestly, they hadn't even married under their own names! He didn't even _know_ Wolf's name!

It was obviously just some evil plot of Blunt's to torture him some more.

He looked momentarily towards the kitchen area but passed on the food in favour of sleep. It felt like he hadn't slept in _weeks_.

So this was the living room. And there were two doors.

The first door he opened was actually quite a nice bathroom and Alex toyed with the idea of a nice long bath with the door locked, barred and bolted, before his eyes drooped shut again and he reluctantly closed the door.

He opened the last one and stepped through. The bedroom was nice too. In fact, surprisingly, Wolf and he seemed to have quite similar tastes. The walls were a warm tan colour, with a pale cream carpet and white and chocolate bedding on the low bed.

The one. Small. Double. bed.

"Oh _hell_ no!"

***


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: So, yeah, you're getting more. They're never going to be long, this length is probably going to be typical, I'm afraid, and it's not a story. (Sorry, but let's face it. There are already a lot of Wolf&Alex living together fics already!) More like snapshots (hopefully comedic snapshots) into Wolf and Alex's life. They're roughly in chronological order, I guess, or at least the order doesn't really matter. I might write out how they got married in the first place eventually (I have worked out how, don't worry!) but don't hold your breath. Anyway, enjoy!_

_DISCLAIMER: Nothing you recognise belongs to me!_

***

Sharing a bed with Wolf was hell.

Theoretically, one of them could have slept on the sofa. Practically, it had become a competition and both were too stubborn to give in.

Alex had been the first into bed that first night, having decided that Wolf could take the sofa.

Unfortunately, Wolf didn't see it that way and refused to be chased from his own bed. And Alex was not about to give in and let Wolf have it, so the two of them had ended up sharing.

The problem was, Wolf snored.

Not just some small wheeze either, but a full blown growl that sounded more like a chainsaw than anything natural. For Alex, who had trained himself to wake up at the slightest disturbance, it was the equivalent of sleep-deprivation tactics.

Wolf, for his part, complained that Alex kicked and had bruises to prove it.

Alex replied that _of course_ he kicked: Wolf just wouldn't shut up otherwise!

Slowly, however, they acclimatised. Wolf's calves toughened up enough so the kicks didn't bother him and Alex had managed to tune out Wolf's snoring after only two nights of no sleep. And that was why the problem hit.

It was dark when Alex woke and at first he didn't know what had awoken him. He listened to the silence with a frown. There was nothing. Nothing moved or made a sound.

And then it hit him: it was too quiet.

Wolf wasn't snoring.

"Oh bloody hell," said Alex, paling. "He's dead!"

It turned out that Wolf wasn't dead. Nor was he happy about being woken up at three in the morning by a paranoid Alex.

In Alex's defence, people had a nasty habit of dying around him. He may have over reacted a little, but he was pretty sure that Wolf was overreacting too. There was no need to call him the son of a goat, surely? Or mentally challenged! Or p-

Ok, so maybe he had reason for the paranoid one. The man had only stopped snoring, after all.

***

_A/N: So what did you think?_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: My sincere apologies for this. It is tasteless, pointless and ridiculously short. Hope you enjoy reading it anyway!**

**DISCLAIMER: Not mine, as usual.**

*******

Alex knew the words "expect the unexpected" well – almost too well. In fact, he practically liveed by them. He has been in situations that vary from unlikely to practically impossible. Because, seriously, who would expect a knife fight in space to show up on their 'to do' list? Or swimming with a deadly jellyfish?

So it's safe to say that Alex was the _master_ of the unexpected. Still though, nothing could have prepared him for this.

Sabina stared at him for a moment, shocked by what he had just told her. That part, he had expected. After all, it wasn't everyday her one-time boyfriend, now best friend, told her that he was now married to a man who was ten years older than him.

He began to worry when her eyes flickered to Wolf, who was lounging in front of the TV, back to Alex and then repeated the process.

A look of awe came over her face.

"Oh my god!" she squealed. "You guys would be so _hot_ together! Can I watch?"

*******

**A/N: Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

_**So yeah, this should have been uploaded sooner, but it's still doing better than my other stories! (Which have also just been updated. Yay! Go me!) I have one more definite chapter planned after this, but if anyone has any ideas for scenarios, just let me know, yeah? Cos at the moment, the next chapter is undoubtedly the last. It's very, very final. (No they don't die. This is supposed to be comedic after all! But yeah, ideas, anyone?**_

_**Oh, and a massive thanks to prone2dementia for all her help with this and the last chapter! Thanks!**_

_**DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing fanfiction, would I?**_

The strangest thing about living with Wolf was all the things that emphatically did NOT happen.

For example. One week in, they definitely did NOT wake up cuddled together. Wolf's arms were certainly not wrapped around Alex and Alex's head wasn't resting anywhere _near_ Wolf's shoulder.

Wolf did NOT remember how Alex took his coffee in the morning, and Alex obviously did NOT cook Wolf's favourite food without thinking about it.

(He did, however, cook for Wolf. This, they both admitted freely. Wolf was perfectly happy to take advantage of the fact that Alex could cook and Alex happened to _like _living with a roof over his head, instead of a smouldering pile of ash.)

And that time they'd accidentally had sex ("How do you _accidentally_ have sex?!" "Shut _up_, Tom!") had most definitely NOT been the most mind-blowing orgasm of his life. He liked _girls_ for god sake!

Alex had a feeling that tonight was definitely going to join those past experiences in not happening very, very soon.

In hindsight, they would most likely think that playing truth or dare (and really, how immature?) with a very hyper, but somehow suspiciously sober, Eagle, when drunk themselves was a Bad Idea. In fact, it would probably go down on the list of worst mistakes of human kind, along with creating the nuclear bomb and giving Jedward a record contract.

But having almost a bottle of vodka between them, as well as numerous beers, by the time they'd realised this, Snake and Fox were already up and dancing drunkenly on the table for the first dare.

And by that point it was too late.

Snake sat back down and Fox collapsed beside him.

Eagle span the empty bottle in the middle and Alex stared at it confused. Was that a whisky bottle? When had they gotten that? He really hoped he hadn't had too much: Whiskey + Alex = Bad. It was elementary maths.

Of course, the bottle _would_ land on him.

"Dare," said Alex, resigned.

Fox grinned manically.

"The Bartender and the Thief," he pronounced, proudly.

It took several moments for them all to work out that Alex was supposed to _sing_ said song, but eventually he was on the table, which was apparently acting as a stage.

Someone had handed him a hairbrush (Seriously? A hairbrush? They all had buzz cuts – there was barely any hair to _brush_) to use as a microphone, but he quickly discarded it in favour of the Air Guitar.

"What on earth is _that?" _said Wolf, raising an eyebrow.

"Air guitar!" exclaimed Alex, momentarily breaking off from his (horribly out of key) song.

"Doesn't look like any guitar I've seen," said Wolf, firmly.

"Yeah, it does!" protested Alex. "See? Here's the stret board-" he waggled his fingers in mid air – "and here are the strings!" he waggled his other hand.

"I think you got them the wrong way up," said Fox, squinting slightly.

Alex pouted. "You're just jealous of my mad air guitar skills."

Wolf snorted.

Alex did get his own back on the would-be critics with no taste. The balcony scene of Romeo and Juliet was hilarious, especially with Wolf using a towel to give the impression of long hair he, obviously, didn't have.

Fox was, if possible, even worse, though he had the excuse of being unable to look at his 'lady-love' without bursting into hysterical laughter.

Three songs, two impressions and one walking down the stairwell on hands alone later, both Alex and Wolf froze.

The bottle had landed right between them. They looked at each other then warily at Eagle.

Unanimously, they both decided that there was no way in hell they were that drunk.

"Truth," they said together.

Eagle smiled beatifically.

"Who is the girl of the relationship?" he asked, innocently.

Both Wolf and Alex stared at him for a moment, before Wolf responded flatly. "Alex."

"I am not!" protested Alex.

"You do the cooking," Wolf pointed out.

"Yeah, because I happen to like my insides where they are, thanks! That doesn't make me the girl!"

"That's not what I meant," interrupted Eagle, grinning.

Alex and Wolf looked at him blankly. Neither had any idea what he was talking about.

"During sex," explained Eagle, only to be met with even more confused stares.

He sighed.

"Who bottoms?"

Oh yeah, this evening most definitely did not happen.

_**So yeah, review! And don't forget any ideas/requests you have for situations!**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: Upon realising that rooting around absolutely everywhere produced absolutely nothing to eat, I had the most awesome lunch ever: Ice Cream Sunday. And yes, it fully deserves the capitalisation. My favourite chocolate ice cream mixed with my favourite vanilla ice cream, with crumbled chocolate chip cookies (Maryland cookies- can you get any better?) and a tonne of chocolate sauce, all topped off with whipped cream. *sighs***_

_**So yeah... I'm writing this A/N on a slight, insy winsy sugar high :D**_

_**You all love me anyway, don't you?**_

_**Buh... brain freeze...**_

_**Anyway, strangely appropriate seeing as the net chapter is all about cooking! (Though, sadly, not about ice cream)**_

_**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Alex Rider, or anything you recognise, no matter how much the green-and-purple sugar monster tries to convince me otherwise.**_

Wolf was cooking.

Or rather, Wolf was trying to cook. He was completely and utterly determined to succeed. Unfortunately, he was also completely and utterly failing.

However, that wasn't the point. The point was, he was fed up of being dependent on Cub – _Cub_ – for meals. He had survived perfectly well before the brat came along, he could survive perfectly well without the brat now.

He had conveniently forgotten that, until this point, he had survived on takeout.

The teen perched on the worktop not too far away wasn't making it any easier, either.

"You know," said the blond, obviously amused, "It's generally a good idea to hold down the spark button _before_ you turn on the gas."

Wolf simply glared at him.

"Wolf, the GAS!" exclaimed Alex, genuinely worried. Wolf quickly span back and hit the 'spark' button.

Alex's laugh as he singed his eyebrows was most unfair, and unwelcome. He turned to glare at the teen.

"What?" said Alex, picking up an apple from the fruit bowl on the side (A new addition. Wolf had never really bothered about things like vitamins, after all).

He tossed the apple in the air once and caught it before buffing it slightly on his shirt.

Wolf glared at him, getting more irritated by the second. He was just doing it to annoy him, he was sure!

"Honestly," said Alex, "I don't know what the big deal is."

He took a nonchalant bite out of his apple.

_That damn apple! _He didn't even know people _could_ be nonchalant, outside of books, until he met Alex. It just seemed so contrived! Designed purposefully to irritate him.

"I mean, it's not like you've never used it before, right?"

Wolf stopped glaring and abruptly turned away to hide the flush creeping up his cheeks.

Alex stared.

"No way," he said, gleefully. "You've lived here for what, three years? And you have _never_ used the cooker? That's classic!"

Wolf glared at him again. He wished the kid would just bugger off already.

"Why are you in here, anyway?" he grunted.

_Go away_. _I don't want you here._

Alex shrugged. "I don't want you to completely trash the place. Plus, I need to make myself something after you're done."

Wolf growled and angrily started slicing – chopping – _hacking _some peppers up. There was, for a moment, blissful silence.

Wolf should have known it was too good to be true.

"Shouldn't you have done that before you put the pan on?" asked Alex, "You're going to burn the oil."

Wolf snarled.

Any one of K-Unit would have quailed under the glare that was turned on Alex, but then, they hadn't been living with Wolf, recently, had they?

Alex simply grinned.

It took all of five minutes for Alex to huff dramatically and elbow Wolf out of the way. He rescued the smoking pan from the heat and dumped it in the sink, diced the remnants of the mangled vegetables and set to work.

Wolf glared when the teen managed to pull a delicious pasta dish apparently from thin air. The only remnants of Wolf's input was the slightly inconsistent size of the peppers.

Alex rolled his eyes at his scowling guardian and scooped some into a bowl, leaving the rest for Wolf. He may not like the guy, but didn't particularly want him to poison himself. It would most likely be messy.

Alex walked around the counter and settled in front of the TV, trying not to laugh at the thought of Wolf with food poisoning. It was probably a little mean, after all.

"Hey!" barked Wolf from the kitchen area. "If you get that on my sofa-!"

"What's mine is yours, baby," said Alex. "It's _our _sofa now."

"Oh you little-!"

_**A/N: So what did you think? Review and tell me!**_

_**PS – those of you who want to give me an opinion on what to post next – Only ten more people can vote! (Poll is on my profile!)**_

_**PPS – yes, I know I haven't gotten around to replying to all your wonderful reviews yet. Sorry! I'll reply tonight! They really are appreciated!**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: So here's the next instalment of Til Death Do Us Part. I'm thinking only two chapters after this. Next one is Alex at school, I think. Possibly. Assuming I can write it realistically. Oh. I guess that would make Alex 18 in this fic and so in his last year of school. Hope that clears that up!**_

_**DISCLAIMER: Roses are red, Violets are blue. I don't own Alex Rider, so please don't sue!**_

Wolf is not the sort of man that one would immediately think of as being comfortable with children. In fact, one would see, pretty much instantly, that he would be incredibly, almost ridiculously, uncomfortable around them and quite possibly go on a murderous rampage if forced to socialise with them.

Needless to say, Alex had never thought he would see Wolf surrounded by kids. Especially not a gaggle of seven year old girls.

Technically, it could have been said that he was here because of Alex.

Technically, it could also be said that Alex was here because of him.

And, of course, both were trying to blame the other – with hushed voices and an unusual lack of swearing, in consideration of the innocent ears nearby.

"It's your fault," said Wolf. "It's your friend Hale that insisted you were here."

Alex suppressed a grin as he remembered his friend practically begging him to come and 'save his sanity'. Apparently being forced to keep an eye on his little sister's birthday party could be construed as mentally damaging.

"Not my fault that his mum turned out to be your sister's friend," said Alex, snagging a helium balloon that was threatening to float away and handing it back to the little girl it had escaped from. It got him an awed look and an enthusiastic hug.

By the time he was released, Wolf was grinning maliciously. Alex simply glowered at him.

"This is all your fault," the teen said, still scowling.

"Not in the slightest. If you hadn't been his friend, she wouldn't have insisted I come!"

"If you hadn't been married to me, she wouldn't have insisted you come," Alex pointed out.

"Exactly! Therefore: your fault."

"Don't blame this on me! You're the one that proposed!" Alex exclaimed.

"Yeah, because I'm quite attached to my head, and I'd like to stay that way!"

"I don't know why. It's not like you ever _use_ the damn thing!"

Wolf scowled and stalked away.

Immediately, he was replaced by Tom Harris, who had also been manipulated into attending.

"So that's Wolf then, huh?" said the shorter boy, staring after the soldier.

"Yeah," said Alex, still glaring at his husband.

"Funny," commented Tom, popping a biscuit into his mouth. "I wouldn't have said he was your type."

_**A/N: So? Any good? Ok, so I know it's not fantastic, but not all bad, right?**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N: So I haven't updated this in forever. Sorry about that. But I'm updating now, which is good, right?**_

_**I'm sorry to announce that this is the last chapter for this fic. And it's more fluff than humour. I'm sure you can deal with that, right? I just needed to sort out Wolf's and Alex's (many, many, many) emotional issues before I finished the story.**_

_**Disclaimer: Nothing you recognise belongs to me.**_

-o-O-o-

There were some things Wolf never expected to happen, when this arrangement was forced upon them. He never expected to grow close to the teen who had been unceremoniously (or, actually, rather ceremoniously now he really thought about it. The wedding had been... elaborate to say the least) thrust into his life.

He still had no desire to be married to the brat, or to take him as a lover, but living with him hadn't turned out so bad. It was nice to come home to a place that felt lived in, after a mission and, if his sex life had suffered because even he wasn't enough of a bastard to bring women back to the flat now, he never felt the desolate loneliness that had begun to creep up on him, and had prompted his move from the SAS to MI6. (Which, now he thought about it, was probably really, _really_ dumb.)

He still hadn't expected to miss the teen when he vanished for three months.

He had been snappy and irritable and, often, downright rude to even his closest friends and, though he was loath to admit it, it was because he was worried. He knew what type of missions Alex was given and he found it increasingly difficult to believe that he had managed to survive them all. He was convinced that it was just a matter of time until Alex didn't return.

It wasn't a pleasant thought.

Of course, Alex did come back and if Wolf stumbled his way through making Alex's favourite meal and let the agent chose what to watch on TV and didn't let him lift a finger around the flat to help, it went uncommented on, though the warm expression in Alex's eyes told Wolf that the effort was appreciated, even if they did both choke slightly on the meal.

And when, later that night, Alex woke up screaming, it seemed perfectly natural for Wolf to pull him into his lap until his shaking subsided and his hands curled softly around Wolf's shoulders.

The world wasn't perfect, but somehow Wolf knew that as long as he had this soft, compliant teen sleeping in his arms, he would survive it.

No, the arrangement may be unconventional, but in the end, he wouldn't change it for the world. It was perfect.

-o-O-o-

Blunt looked up as Jones handed over Rider's latest psych evaluation.

"He seems to be improving," commented the man.

"Yes," agreed Mrs Jones. "Dr Thwait believes that being forced to bond with someone has greatly improved, not only Alex's mental stability, but also his chances of survival."

"Good," murmured Blunt, looking carefully over the report.

He looked up when he realised his deputy was still standing there.

"Yes?"

"Are you ever going to tell them?" she blurted. Most unfitting for a member of MI6, he noted.

"Tell them what?" he asked, blandly.

"That, technically, they aren't legally married?"

Mrs Jones almost fainted in shock at what happened next: Blunt smiled, a small, almost warm, amused smirk that seemed so completely at odds with his normal expression that it transformed his entire face. For the first time, Mrs Jones saw how his wife could be so happily married to him.

"Why on Earth would I do that?"

-o-O-o-

_**A/N: So, what did you think? The second to last line was, admittedly, cannibalised from a very, very short drabble that I was never going to lengthen. Actually, a treat for you all. Said drabble is below.**_

_Contrary to popular belief, Yassen isn't emotionless. The fact that he is here, huddled against a wall in a foreign country with a teenager cradled softly against his chest and both MI6 and Scorpia chasing him – them – is pretty much conclusive proof of this._

_He just doesn't like to show emotion. It has no place in this world._

_As such, he tries not to involve in impossible flights of fancy, or unlikely beliefs._

_Of course, if he had listened to that rule, he probably wouldn't be here now._

_But somehow, he knows that as long as he has this soft, compliant teen sleeping in his arms, it'll work out._

_**Sweet, huh? No, I have no idea how they got there – anyone want to write the back story for me? Anyways, I'll stop babbling.**_

_**But don't forget that little button just below. It gets lonely if you don't click it!**_


End file.
